It is Sunday. I feel like my world is coming apart. Emotionally I am raw, disappointed, but mostly angry and so very scared, worried, and down.
At work I have a new job, a new set of tasks, completely new to me and to my employer. They restructured all the offices to accommodate a huge change. I have been training for the first part of implementation… which was really just getting set for the real change that will happen in 10 days or so. I have worked really hard to make this transition because I especially care about some of the people in charge of these changes. But I am so very fearful. There seems to be a complete and utter lack of understanding of what the job (the work, the time it takes) entails… Truthfully, I don’t think many of management wants to know. They made an arbitrary decision on what would work without any knowledge of what the job requirements were. The dice were cast. Now, as we get closer to complete implementation, I am scared out of my wits. The introductory stage of the process is barely coming together. I can’t see this situation turning out successfully. I feel so trapped. I feel like I have been set up to fail… something I hate… I feel like I have been set up to disappoint people I respect… something I hate even worse. It makes me really angry… and that anger has morphed into depression, stress, and worry.
There are four of us in this new position. None of the others care too much about it. It is just a job. I feel like, for them, if it works out that’s great… if not, so what. Paychecks and incoming finances are the BIG WHAT. There will be a lot of unhappy big wigs and a whole lot of very unhappy employees if paychecks can’t go out because the grand vision didn’t work.
I wish I could do what I can do and not worry (even if that is all I can do, anyway). It is one of my biggest challenges. Worrying will get me nowhere. But all weekend I have been tied up in knots. All I can think of is I am going to fail and let everyone down. I just want to run away and hide. If I could, I would do the ultimate runaway, and quit. Just to get away from all these negative feelings. That is bad, isn’t it? Wanting to run away and not dealing? I am just so tired and wornout with all these feelings. I wish I knew what to do to let go… maybe see things from a different perspective. I just don’t know how.
It is my greatest hope that spilling my fears on this page will somehow lessen these negative feelings and help me get a grip on things.