I Am Back

After my last post, I got sick. REALLY sick. I got the never ending flu. For weeks. I think I am finally getting over it but I am still stuffy. It was the kind of sick where I was completely wiped out. I was out from work and all I did was sleep. I was so exhausted I couldn't read or pretty much anything. The third round of medication finally kicked in late last week. So, no more coughing up a lung and my head is a lot clearer.

What does that mean. It means I finally got back to a regular journaling routine. I am working in one of my older journals now that had remained unfinished. It is a smaller journal but has lots of cool stuff in the portion that is finished. It gives me a bit of incentive to get back to it. Even if just a bit.

One of my new supplies… colored pencils. Actually, I never really liked colored pencils. I didn't like the “white” in between strokes. So for all these years, I have not wanted to use them.

In my “new”, old journal, I wanted to have something simple to color my doodles. Kind of like an Adult coloring book of my own making. Markers don't really give shading… and you have to worry about them bleeding through the paper. Chameleon Markers could solve the shading issue but not the bleeding issues (besides they are expensive). So I searched through YouTube and found some Adult Coloring videos to get some ideas.

I saw some beautiful work with colored pencils… and I decided to give them a try. I had some old Crayola pencils that had mainly remained unused so I tried them out. They were okay but didn't go down smoothly leaving some scratchy strokes. I saw the possibilities that colored pencils could have but wanted to find an option that gave a bit nicer result. So I got a pack of Prisma colored pencils.

This is my first try. My journaling routine is to Write a Gratitude Practice in my journal in the am. It includes answering a few prompts and then a page of free writing. Then tonight I doodled in the empty spaces and on top of my free writing. I got to try my pencils and I have to say they are fantastic!!! I am not so good at shading but they did a wonderful job. The color went on easy and smoothly. I really love the results.

Hopefully, tomorrow I can have more of a step by step.

 

Happy Tuesday!

 

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Spilling My Fears, Using my Practices to Help Me Through

It is Sunday. I feel like my world is coming apart. Emotionally I am raw, disappointed, but mostly angry and so very scared, worried, and down.

At work I have a new job, a new set of tasks, completely new to me and to my employer. They restructured all the offices to accommodate a huge change. I have been training for the first part of implementation… which was really just getting set for the real change that will happen in 10 days or so. I have worked really hard to make this transition because I especially care about some of the people in charge of these changes. But I am so very fearful. There seems to be a complete and utter lack of understanding of what the job (the work, the time it takes) entails… Truthfully, I don’t think many of management wants to know. They made an arbitrary┬ádecision on what would work without any knowledge of what the job requirements were. The dice were cast. Now, as we get closer to complete implementation, I am scared out of my wits. The introductory stage of the process is barely coming together. I can’t see this situation turning out successfully. I feel so trapped. I feel like I have been set up to fail… something I hate… I feel like I have been set up to disappoint people I respect… something I hate even worse. It makes me really angry… and that anger has morphed into depression, stress, and worry.

There are four of us in this new position. None of the others care too much about it. It is just a job. I feel like, for them, if it works out that’s great… if not, so what. Paychecks and incoming finances are the BIG WHAT. There will be a lot of unhappy big wigs and a whole lot of very unhappy employees if paychecks can’t go out because the grand vision didn’t work.

I wish I could do what I can do and not worry (even if that is all I can do, anyway). It is one of my biggest challenges. Worrying will get me nowhere. But all weekend I have been tied up in knots. All I can think of is I am going to fail and let everyone down. I just want to run away and hide. If I could, I would do the ultimate runaway, and quit. Just to get away from all these negative feelings. That is bad, isn’t it? Wanting to run away and not dealing? I am just so tired and wornout with all these feelings. I wish I knew what to do to let go… maybe see things from a different perspective. I just don’t know how.

It is my greatest hope that spilling my fears on this page will somehow lessen these negative feelings and help me get a grip on things.