Or not so much. What I mean is that shortly after my last post I ended up in a mental and creative downward spiral. I didn’t want to journal, do art… clean, exercise… I did sleep. Lots and lots of sleeping. I really didn’t know exactly what was happening. I just knew I felt exhausted, old and tired. All the time.
I spoke with my doctor and my husband and couldn’t quite explain why I felt this way. I was so tired and down. It just seemed to get worse and worse. Was it my thyroid? My weight? My heart? Lack of exercise? Too much sleep? Too much stress? I didn’t know for sure. This rut just seem to linger on and on.
Then last week I heard a clip from the Delilah Radio show. “What made you happy today?” The radio show host asked. “Did you read a good book, garden in the sun, spend time with a dear friend…?” I thought about that. No. I didn’t just not do anything like that on that particular day, I couldn’t remember the last time I did. And that simple sentence that came over the radio waves created a spark. A tiny little spark but a spark all the same. It spread a bit of light in all that overwhelming darkness.
And as I started really seeing what had happened to my life, I began to wonder why. How did I get here?
As I thought about it I realized that around the time I gave up on this blog and my art journaling… and art in general. I had made a decision. I decided to give up on my artistic dream. In doing that I gave up on myself and my purpose in life. I felt like I had missed my “chance” and could see no way to recover. The result was: my life. It wasn’t pretty or pleasant.
Having this realization seemed to crack open a bit of my creative soul and I began to see life as more hopeful. I actually started to see different ways to move forward in a creative way. Missing that “chance” didn’t seem fatal anymore. I actually picked up some paint and worked on some art journal backgrounds for the first time in what seemed to be forever.
So yet again, I start. Taking baby steps forward.
I am so grateful that I finally have begun to see.
I only had a few minutes this morning so I did a couple of minutes of quick exercise and a few minutes with my art journal.
I opened up my journal, grabbed an old Elle magazine and started to tear out elements. Anything that reminded me about how I want to feel.
That it. All the time I had. But it is a beginning.
A fresh start.